November 4, 2017
Left turns, calling the pizza man, and making the wrong decisions. If you were to ask me what I was afraid of, that would sum it up quite nicely. Now left turns and calling the pizza man are slightly unavoidable for a girl who loves a good thin crust medium three topping pizza and does a lot of driving, but I had convinced myself making wrong decisions was easily avoidable. HA WRONG!!
As October hit, I was still trying to convince myself that I had made the right decisions. I was unhappier than I think I have ever been, and it was becoming more and more obvious in my life, but I needed this to be okay. Because, if this was the wrong decision, then that meant I had messed up, which meant I had failed God, and that was my biggest fear. I hated even the thought of me not following God’s plan for my life. I had the absolute highest expectations for myself and I knew how badly it would hurt if I had made a bad decision so I spent weeks telling myself everything was fine.
Finally it caught up to me. I sat over a bowl of fish food ice cream and I broke as I explained to one of my closest friends how unhappy I was. It wasn’t just one thing I was unhappy with, it was nearly everything. All the things present in my life at this time felt wrong to me .
I stopped praying for the answers I wanted and I started to actually pray over each one of these things with a purpose. That purpose was discovering what God’s will for my life was, even if it meant getting hurt in the process. I started to pray faithfully for each little area of my life. Everything that felt off to me. I asked God to show me if this was what He had for me, and within the course of two weeks He faithfully answered every. single. prayer.
Nope not this. Nope not this. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope not this. Not this. Oh and by the way, not this either.
^^^^ man some of those hurrrrrrt
But what hurt more than Him closing so many doors of my life, was feeling like I had let Him down by choosing those things in the first place. The weight of guilt started to weigh heavy, and I struggled with this for awhile. How could I choose so many of the wrong things? Did I just waste the last 3 months of my life? All the questions started to pile up.
But God wasn’t saying nope to me. He was saying no to the things I had in my life at the time. He wasn’t upset with me, He simply wanted me. He wanted my heart, and He had to close those doors, tear down those walls, and say no to those things to get to me. He tore down every wall I had built up for MY GOOD and ultimately for HIS GLORY. Wow! I seriously can’t express in words the beauty of that truth. The God of the universe cares so much about each one of us, that He is willing to come find us, meet us where we are, and tear down whatever stands in the way just to be with us.
(Bible Example)He could get me to where He wanted me to be, and He was going to use these three months to shape me into who He needed me to be.
Now Ill admit it sounds a little cliche, but I really do mean it.
God will use the pain. God will use the hardest seasons of your life to prepare you for all the things He has in store for you!
I stopped feeling guilty about my little detour, and I started to focus on what was next. If God was closing these doors, what was He calling me to?
I began to pray about my next steps and I really felt God just put the phrase , step out of the boat, on my heart. Just like Peter, I didn’t need to have it all figured out. I just needed to step out of my boat, and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. He wanted me. He wanted my life. Mistakes, wrong decisions, He wanted all of it, I simply needed to come to Him.
When life gets crazy we tend to try to get all the answers, we want control, and we want to know that everything will turn out fine, but God simply wants us to focus on Him and find rest in His presence. I have found rest in the presence of the Lord, throughout some of the hardest days of my life, and I know you can too!
If you’re struggling with doubt, confusion, or fear of the unknown I’ve got some verses that I think will help ya out:
& some songs for a little extra encouragement:
-Reckless Love
-God Help Me
-Control
